PLARP
by NoOneMustEverKnow
Summary: Chris and Wallow are out smoking hams. So Beth and Danny are left to save a bunch of geeks from a pretend-war that may ultimately kill them for realsies! But Beth and Danny annoy each other too much that an attraction starts to form.
1. Mighty Fine Ham

*Disclaimer: Bravest Warriors is created by Pendleton Ward. The idea for the story came from Breehn Burn's early pitch for the show which you can read here: doc/82294178/BW

"That's one mighty fine ham!" said Chris.

Wallow tooted in approval.

Both of them were so into smoking those mighty fine hams that they didn't hear the weee-wooo-weee-wooo (or was it beep-beeep-beeep?) coming from the invisible hide-out.

"We've got a red hawk!" Danny vigilantly shouted as he zipped down the ladder to the common room. "We've got a red hawk?" He repeated, but this time a little less vigilant since his teammates were nowhere to be found.

"What does that even mean, Danny?" Beth asked as she leisurely walked into the common room.

Danny raised one of his very thick and very sexy eyebrows at her and said: "Nice of you to drop by Tezuka. Where are the others?" And then he raised his other eyebrow so both eyebrows were sexily raised before he added: "Red hawk is code for a distress call. We already talked about this."

"Chris and Wallow are smoking hams outside." Beth simply answered. She wasn't the least bit affected by Danny's eyebrow raising. "I'm pretty sure they'll be out there till the weekend. So just answer the distress call already."

Before we jump any further into this exhilarating story, let me introduce these guys first. They're the Bravest Warriors, 16-year old heroes out saving the universe one distress call at a time using the power of their emotions; most especially Chris. Chris Kirkman, he's the emotional one. Then we have Beth Tezuka, the cute and artistic chinky-eyed female of the group who Chris is being emotional about most of the time. Of course, there's the awesome Danny Vasquez from Miami who invents most of their stuff. He somehow manages to appear cool and rebellious despite being a big nerd. And last but not the least, Wallow, the big guy with a big heart for weird creatures. He studies surgery during his free time.

With that out of the way, let's go back to where we left off.

Danny clicked on a button and a projector projected an image of a geek in battle armor.

"Bravest Warriors, we need your help!" the geek cried out.

"You sure do." Danny said before he could put a lid on his trap. Beth gave him a stern look to which he raised his hands in nonchalance.

"What's wrong, geek?" Beth blurted out that last word without meaning to (hence the usage of the term 'blurted out').

It was Danny's turn to gloat in self-righteousness as he gave Beth a sterner look, to which Beth shrugged her shoulders in nonchalance. They're mirroring each other if I haven't put that out obviously enough.

The geek, seemingly unaffected by being insulted twice, reported: "We are from P-LARP and a war is ongoing here. We need your help to bring an end to all this madness! Help us bring peace to our planet, we beseech you oh bravest of all warriors!"

"Uh, just one moment." Danny said to the geek as he grabbed Beth into a huddle of two. "I heard of these guys before. They're LARPers." he whispered.

"If we're going to have to huddle I think you have to elaborate more than that." Beth said.

"L-A-R-P stands for Live Action Role Players. These geeks have been living off in their very own planet fake-warring each other ever since they got there." Danny explained.

"So you mean, they're not really at war?" Beth asked.

"Nope." said Danny.

"And they're not really in danger or anything?"

"Nope."

"And we don't really have to take on this mission, is what you're saying?"

"Yep."

"And, why are we still huddling?"

"Oh. I don't know." With that Danny un-huddled from Beth and faced the geek again. Beth did the same thing.

"So, guy, let me put this down gently. Ya'll should just quit pretend-fighting each other and make nice! Problemo solved!" Danny told the geek with an extra dash of nice.

"Thank you for calling the Bravest Warrior's hotline! Have a nice day!" Beth chimed in and was about to press the end-call button when Danny caught her hand.

"Wait Beth, I have a funny feeling in my stomach."

Beth looked at him quizzically and said. "Do you need me to escort you to the holo-john again?"

"No-no. I think this is what peeps call guilt. I'm feeling guilty! I think we ought to at least take a look at the situation of this poor geek's planet."

"You've hanged out with Chris way too much. You're worse than a girl who PMS's."

"You mean I'm worse than you when you're PMS-y?" Danny asked sarcastically.

"I don't PMS." Beth said. "And you're right. We should get going if we want to get to P-LARP before the LARPers fake-kill each other off."

"I mean we should ask ourselves what Chris Kirkman would do in times like th—Wait, what? You're agreeing with me?" Danny was surprised.

"Computer prepare our ride, we're going on a mission!" Beth yelled out before Danny could show more of his emotions. (Boy, he is being exceptionally emotional today.)

Meanwhile, outside the Bravest Warrior's invisible hide-out, Wallow and Chris were still busy watching them mighty fine hams be smoked to perfection. They were so enthralled by the hams that they didn't even notice the ear-damaging decibel of noise from when their ship took off just moments ago.

Momentarily, Chris felt weird. "I feel weird." he said. Wallow being the gentle guy that he is took his eyes off those hams and looked at his weirded-out friend.

"I feel like I'm about to lose something I've been obsessing about for forever and I would be in so much pain that I would become some all-powerful creature doing everything in his capacity to bring back what has been lost." Chris said.

"That sucks, bro."

"Yeah."

"Are you okay now?"

"I think so."

"Wanna go back to smoking hams?"

"Yeah. Okay."

And so, dear readers, the time for adventuring commences!


	2. No hitch-hikers policy

*Bravest Warriors is created by Pendleton Ward. Story was inspired by Breehn Burn's original pitch for the Bravest Warriors.

"Beth don't kill me!" Danny pleaded.

"What's that?" Beth said menacingly. She was on top of Danny, trying to get a better grip on his neck. "I can't hear you over the sound of me killing you."

"Just think of all the good times we had together!" Danny said. In case you were wondering how he could still talk in full sentences with Beth choking him and all, we should go back to the beginning. You know. So you'd stop wondering. About how he could talk in fu- Right. Let's just go.

"Danny how long till we get to P-LARP?" Beth asked Danny. They were flying aimlessly for quite some time now and Beth suspects that they might be lost.

"Chill Tezuka. We're not lost, if that's what you're thinking. Totally, not lost. Yep. Not lost. At all." Danny said avoiding eye contact. He was kinda hoping Beth wouldn't notice the big IF YOU'VE COME THIS FAR, GOOD LUCK FINDING YOUR WAY BACK, BUDDY sign. They've passed that sign like fourteen times already.

And Beth did see the sign. She has very good vision. Almost perfect, even, because she sees to it that she takes her vitamin A supplement every night before she goes to bed. (She's been making Chris take vitamin A too. What she didn't know was that what Chris really needed was vitamin B12 to prevent his future balding problem. But that's entirely another story.)

"I think we should ask somebody for directions." She suggested, keeping her tone even. She knows how boys could be (She only has guy friends until Plum came along.) so she's trying really, really hard not to be annoyed with Danny's insistence on not asking for directions.

"We're not lost. This is a shortcut, Beth. Trust me. I'm a guy." Danny said with a wink.

"Oh blarb." Beth said as she rollingly rolled her eyes.

After another half hour of wandering aimlessly, Beth's temper was almost at its limit. I say almost because she hasn't taken out her bazooka, yet.

"Danny, we're lost." she said.

"No, we're not!" Danny denied. Though his back was to Beth, he could still feel the very annoyed aura coming from her. He gulped. His adam's apple bobbed up and down so sexily I could not help but comment about it.

"We passed by that freaking sign like, what? Like twenty-three times now! And there it is again! You know what, just give me the wheel! I'm manning this ship!" Beth went to Danny and pushed him roughly making him fall on his butt. On the other hand, her butt landed safely on the pilot's seat.

Danny immediately stood up and rubbed his hurt butt a bit then said. "No offense, but you're a girl." I'd like to say that Danny is a gentleman but he really isn't. Especially to Beth. He pushed her ungentlemanly and claimed back the pilot's seat. "And girls are generally bad drivers." he added.

"But boys are stupid!" Beth said as she pushed Danny. Danny's butt hit the floor again. (oh, holy hard core hill midgets, spare his glorious butt!) Beth kicked Danny's shin for good measure. "Know what, I take that back. Chris and Wallow aren't stupid! Not all boys are stupid after all! You're the only stupid boy I know!" she yelled as she plopped her cute little butt on the Pilot's seat, reclaiming it.

"That's because you don't know any other boys!" Danny said, still doubled over from pain. "And girls don't like to be your friends!"

"Plum is my friend, and she's a girl you idiot!"

"She's a mermaid so she doesn't count!"

"If she doesn't count as a girl then why are you always yodeling to impress her?"

"I'm not trying to impress her, as I already am impressive!" Danny said, wriggling his thick, sexy eyebrows. (They look like caterpillars when he wriggles them like that.)

"Really? I'm not so impressed." Beth scoffed.

"Girl, you're not the one I'm trying to impress." Danny said moving his head in a patented-oh-no-you-di'in't-zigzaggy pattern.

Beth gave Danny a look. If you were to be given that look by Beth, you'd hear her say "I'm gonna cut you." Except that, she's just giving you a look and not really saying anything. That's how intense the look is. The best thing to do when Beth gives you that look is to shut up and pretend to die. And that's what Danny did. Just the shutting up, though. He still has his pride so he refuses to die even if it's just pretend.

At this point, Danny was still on the floor and Beth was doing a splendid job driving the space ship. After a while, Danny realized how dirty the floor was so he got up and sat on the seat behind Beth. After a few more whiles, he dared to speak again.

"Beth?" Danny said cautiously.

"What?" Beth replied. A bit calmer but Danny could tell that she was still miffed.

"How can you be sure we're not as lost as we we're before? Not that I'm saying that we got lost before."

"Well, for one, you don't see me going 'round that big sign anymore. And two, I was right and you were stupid." Beth said.

"That really doesn't explain a lot." Danny complained.

"Yeah. But you do know you're stupid, right?" Beth asked him; A little giggle in her voice. He could tell that she was in a way better mood now.

"Sorry for being a butt a while ago." Danny said. "And those girls that don't want to be friends with you, they're just jealous." He was looking anywhere but Beth. He didn't want to appear too emotional, like Chris.

"I'm sorry too, for being too naggy." Beth said.

"It's okay. It's normal for girls to be naggy." Danny said, shrugging his shoulders.

Beth shot him another look. This time it's a look that says don't push it. "Don't push it, Danny." she said. "And I'm sorry too for bringing up that stuff about Plum. If you want to kiss her, it's okay with me."

"Thanks. Wait—Wha? Why would I need your permission to kiss plum?"

"She's my friend. It's kind of weird if you start wanting to smooch with her. But I totally get it, man. I totally get why you'd want to make babies with her. Though I don't know what your spawn would look like." Beth said as she switched to auto-pilot.

"Woah there. Who said I'd want to make babies with her? And why'd you switch to auto-pilot?" Danny asked Beth. He didn't want to say it to Beth's face but he was more comfortable with the ship being in auto-pilot. He trusts computers more than girls when it comes to driving.

As Beth is freed from driving the ship, she turned her seat to face Danny. "It's not like I'm going to hit some pedestrian. We're in outer space after all. Besides, based on my calculations, it's a straight line to P-LARP from here on out." she said. "And about making babies with Plum, I just know, you know. Girl's intuition. Plus I can see the way you look at her.

"And yet, you can't see the way Chris looks at you." Danny more of mumbled this. He really doesn't want to meddle with Chris and Beth's love life but sometimes he can't stand the friendzone-iness of it all.

"What did you say about Chris?" Beth asked Danny. She didn't quite catch what he said as he suddenly became all mumbly.

"Nothing! So how long do you think before we get to our destination?" Danny quickly changed the subject before Beth could ask too many questions. Plus, he got an inkling that Beth may be blocking out anything concerning hers and Chris's relationship on purpose.

"To be honest, I just said that shiz about knowing where we were. We're lost. I'm just drivin' around looking for somebody we could ask for directions."

"Ha! I knew it!" Danny gloated.

"Look! I think there's someone there!" Beth said, pointing at some blob from across the space. She switched off the auto-pilot and proceeded to go to that blob she claimed was a person. Danny couldn't tell. He doesn't have perfect eyesight like Beth.

True enough, it was indeed a person. Or something, I don't really know what to call it but it has two eyes and a mouth; A very huge mouth that's smeared with red lipstick. The creature was a huge purple blob with gelatinous tentacles all over its body.

Beth made sure that she and Danny were wearing at least their head gears before lowering the windows. Unlike the creature they found, she and Danny would explode if they breathe outer space air. (Does outer space even have air?)

"Excuse me, ma'am! Would you mind if we ask for directions?" Beth asked the creature.

"I'm a guy. And nope. I've been waiting for someone to pass by. I've been stuck out here for who knows how long!" the creature spoke in a gurgly voice.

"Oh. Sorry 'bout calling you ma'am. Do you know how we could get to P-LARP?"

"It's a straight line from here on out!" the creature said cheerfully.

Beth gave Danny a smug look before facing the creature again. "Thanks! And good luck 'bout getting out of here." she said.

The creature said in a panicky voice: "Wait, you're not going to give me a ride?"

"Oh, we strictly have a no-picking-up-of-hitch-hikers policy. But thanks, again. Bye." Beth said to the creature before zooming on to their destination at full speed.

It was smooth sailing for the Vazuka team (I decided to call them that. Vasquez and Tezuka. It's cute name, right? RIGHT?!) until something went THUD on their aft boosters.

"What was that?" Beth asked Danny?

"I dunno. I'll check it out." Danny said as he rubbed his sticker to get his dog gun out.

Beth also let out her cat whip and said that she'll go with Danny. "I'll go with you."

What they saw outside was an ancient evil, so evil that even I can't describe it. (I was later told that this evil was describable just that it's so evil it can't be seen by the naked eye. So it borrows the form of those nearest it.)

Danny shot at it with his dog gun but the bullet stopped a few meters from the ancient evil and plunked on the metal of the ship. "Looks like long range weapons won't work on it. Beth, what do we do?"

"I'll tackle it down." Beth said and was about to go to it but Danny suddenly stepped in front of her.

"Let me guess? No offense, but girls are bad at tackling down an ancient evil?" Beth crossed her arms in front of her and scowled at Danny's back.

"Yep. Pretty much what I was going to say." Danny said as he crouched down for a sprint. "And I don't want our little chuck wagon getting hurt."

"Huh? Did you just call me a chuck wagon?"

"Yes I did!" Danny screamed as he went running towards the ancient evil. He managed to tackle it but the ancient evil wrapped itself around him that they both went rolling down the side of the ship.

"Danny!" Beth yelled as she slid down after him. She landed on the ship's wing rather ungracefully and when she finally got a hold of herself, there were two Danny's standing in front of her.

"Wha-what?" she stuttered. "Which one of you is the real Danny!?"

"I'm the real Danny!" the Danny on the left said.

"No I'm the real Danny!" said the other Danny.

Beth clonked her head in frustration. "You both have thick eyebrows! How am I supposed to know who the real Danny is now?"

"I'm the real one Beth! I have the thicker eyebrows, see? And this jerk is not as good-looking as I am!" One of the Dannys said.

"No Beth! He's lying about the eyebrows!" The other Danny said.

"Really? That's all you have to say?" Beth said disapprovingly of the last Danny who spoke.

In one quick move, Beth was on top of the Danny who said he had the thicker eyebrows. Her hand encircled his throat and she squeezed it as hard as she could.

And hurrah! We're back to the start of this chapter, which is really the end of the chapter and the middle of the whole story.

"Beth don't kill me!" Danny pleaded.

"What's that?" Beth said menacingly. She was on top of Danny, trying to get a better grip on his neck. "I can't hear you over the sound of me killing you."

"Just think of all the good times we had together!" Danny said.

"What good times?!" Beth was growling now, but with words and not just the growling sound.

"You know, that one time, I bought you butter lettuce even though it was raining cats and dogs on mars? I got bit and scratch a few times! And you're really just hurting my neck muscles. You know I had my throat replaced with moon-dragon toe nails from when you tried choking me that one time we tried to date."

"Oh, I know you're the real Danny a while back but it's just so fun to choke you like this." Beth said as she loosened her grip on Danny's neck. "Now, back to the ancient evil."

"Resplendent maelstrom!" Beth yelled. Shards of light flew from her cat whip and enveloped the ancient evil. It exploded with a muted bang. (This ancient evil, apparently was at its weakest when it is copying other's forms.)

Danny hugged Beth excitedly. "You saved me!"

"Get over it." Beth said as she pushed Danny away.

"Getting over it!" Danny said quite loudly. "Wait, did you activate auto-pilot?

"Nope."

"Tsk. Girls. I'm driving."

I'm both glad and sad to say that Danny got a good whack in the head for that.


End file.
